BIRTH CONTROL

I'm getting old-er. I wouldn't say that my "clock is ticking" because I think it's so so freaky weird when people say that, but kids haven't been totally written outta my equation. . .yet. I still think about it sometimes. OKAY. SO. I stay with the boss man's kids when he and the "wife" go outta town. Which is usally not a bad gig. Big house, brand new Caddy. . . I was just released from duty yesterday and I think this TDY might have cast the final vote in the children: to have or have not issue.

1. SIXTH grade homework that includes an essay (500 words) on the difference between magma and lava. I can B.S. with the best of them. I have a piece of paper hanging on my wall that says so. A.K.A. college diploma. However, when it all boils down to magma is under ground, lava is above ground. . . there is not a lot of gray area to covered there. It was rough. That essay was followed up with the laws of motion and the different types of simple levers. ICK.

2. A five year old who insists at seven forty five a.m. that a tall mocha frappuccino is the only way he can make it through his day and then proceeds to ask me when I'm gonna get a boyfriend. That doll baby is lucky I didn't leave him in aftercare permanently.

3. And the hum-dinger of the weekend. LICE. Now I don't mind gross stuff. I love medicine, I think it's incredibly fascinating. But parasites eating human scalp just rates right up there on the heebie jeebie meter. At eleven thirty on a Thursday night, I should be brushing my teeth and watching Horatio Caine take his sunglasses off in a horribly over dramatic way, or sitting in a corner drinking my dirty goose while making snide remarks about the sleezy girls that come out for ladies night. I should not be at the Utica Square Med-X with a five year old in his supeman p.j.'s "flying" up and down the isles, and a poor ten year old who has just learned the meaning of lice and why they are bad. P.S. If you ever have to explain lice to a child, DO NOT reference fleas and dogs. BIG mistake. If you don't believe in the power of suggestion or pyschosomatic illness, sit next to someone who has lice. You will think that your brain itches in no time at all.

I had to go to the pediatrician's office and have my head combed. Good News. My PARASITE FREE record remains untarnished.

I'm blowing my childcare earnings from this weekend. Screw the horrible economy and getting outta debt. So far with my lice loot i've purchased a nice shiraz/viognier and a knee length patent raspberry rain coat. Also on the to be purchased list is a big trip to sephora. Nothing will make my psychosomatic lice go away like NARS, Benefit, and possibly some Philosophy. Ugh.