tragedies in threes.

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit, you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work you and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
Well I been down and I need your help I’ve been feeling sorry for myself
Don’t hesitate to boost my confidence
I been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love-protection
What do you say, honey, come to my defense?
I’ll stand up for you if it’s what you need and I can take a punch, I don’t mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me
And you give me all of your attention I got deep desire and it needs quenchin’
I think that’s pretty plain for you to see
Hell, enough about me and more about you cause that’d be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and polite
I thought I was done with telling you but I ain’t nearly halfway through
I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
You always did kind of drive me crazy and pissed me off ‘cause I let it faze me
But I never wanted my time with you to end
Now I’m back in town for a day or two and mostly I came back just to see you
I’m leaving now but I don’t want to go
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

This song is putting somewhat of a bandaid on the hole that's been ripped out of the middle, kind of on the left side of my chest wall.

In the last week, my grandfather passed away, my "boyfriend" says that he has changed his mind about the direction of our relationship, and I flipped an SUV. I spend every single second of every single day trying to hold it together. I have to physically tell myself to breathe in and out. I have NEVER in my life hurt this bad. EVER. I am well aware of the fact that it could be "worse" but my frame of reference has never been "worse" than this. Besides relative terms are just that. Subjective to the person experiencing the pain, and this pain has knocked me entirely out of orbit.

It's amazing to me the people who you have in your life who you think care, but they really don't. When life rains so hard on me I can't breathe, I look around for the people that I thought would be there for me. There are people there, but not so much the ones I thought I could count on.

I have two "flat mates" with whom I had fallings out with, and they were the first ones there. They cried with me, held my hand, and promised me that everything was going to be okay... knowing that they were the only ones that could make me believe it. I had three very new friends who were more than happy to help me through a day that I didn't think I was going to make it through. I have an old boyfriend who yeah, maybe things didn't really work out so much with, but he sends me irish bells and tulips on st. patty's day with a card that says this....

Oh she is my dear and darlin' one
Her eyes are sparklin' full of fun
No other, no other
Could match the likes of her

Oh she is my dear my darlin' one
My smilin' and beguilin' one
I love the ground she walks upon

It's always good to know that the relationships you have and had, love the fingerprints you left on their heart. I'm glad to have the parents, the siblings, the old boyfrienD, and both the vintage and shiny new friends that I have. They are the strongest and most loyal people on the face of the planet. They are my best angels and because of them, I'm gonna be okay.

I hope someday I remember how to smile and mean it.

"blindsided" bon iver

It's March. Wait. . . It's MARCH?!?!? Yeah. Ready or not right? I'm gonna go with not ready. Not even a little ready, but that's okay I guess the best double blade about life is that it happens to you, ready or not. I'm just ready to be more ready and not so much not ready.

My life is on FFWD right now. Like the stupid FFWD where the DVR skips all the way to the end or stops the whole show for no reason. I am sitting down and taking five or ten minutes to be quiet and breathe. I write this blog for the most part to make me slow down, to regulate the high and low. I write this for me. I don't write it for people to read it and think I'm super cool or super ew. They might think that if they happenstance upon it anyhow, but it's not for THEM. It's for me to sit. It's kinda meditation. If someone else identifies, then YAHTZEE.

Sunday: Sleep in, check. Watch the top fifty sports bloopers on FSN, check. Put away the clean dishes, check. Put away groceries with JKH, check. Get a phone call from the boss' wife saying he's been admitted and that he's SUPER sick, uhhhhh no thanks? Get a frantic phone call from mom saying my grandpa is in renal failure and in ICU, uhhhhhh, can I get a sick day on a weekend???

Our family has this HILARIOUS saying that came from Sesame Street, and I almost wanna say it's from a Bert and Ernie book. . .anyhow, one of the puppets are in the bathtub and there's a bunch of other stuff in the bathtub with him (the eighties were strange folks, blow painted every one's hopes and dreams a nice shade of tie dye) and all of a sudden there's an elephant in the bathtub. I should find the book, cause it would make more sense. ANYHOW. When someone says "I have an elephant in my bathtub" it means, their plate is full. And I have the biggest, fattest, most disgusting elephant in my bathtub right now. I hate him. His name is .... I haven't named him yet. He just showed up today and I haven't had the time. I'll get back.

I'm everyone's glue. Fix this, hold this together, this is an emergency. I'm the protocol book. "Just call Rach. She can fix everything". I guess that should be a compliment. Today it feels like someone dropped a five ton elephant in my mango bubble bath and said, "Merry Christmas". I guess I don't mind it so much. I have the ability to take care of the elephant. Sometimes I chop him up and feed him to the birds, sometimes I call his owner and tell him to come pick him up, sometimes I make him think we are friends, just to ship him to a feed factory at the last expecting second. But I always get rid of him. (Notice that this elephant is always a male?? That's not a coincidence) I should quitthebitchin. I love that people lean on me. It makes me feel good. I love that someone can call me when their life feels like it's gonna crumble and I can put it back together and make it pretty and new again. I hate that I dont' have that to fall back on. When my life starts to sink fast, I don't have anyone that I can call to fix it. "Hi, I'm drowning in the most disgusting bathwater ever, and I need someone to come save me..... uuuhhhhh.... HELLO?!?!?" Eh. I'll get out of it. I have a piece of chewing gum and a wire hanger. MacGyver has nothing on this.

On a sidenote, tomorrow is TEXAS Independence Day. My Papa Bob (the one in ICU) could tell you every single reason that TEXAS should be it's own country. He'll make a believer outta you too. I promise. We have celebrated TEXAS independence day every year since I can remember by eating Mexican food. "Hello irony, we'll have a table for five." Anyhow, traditions are key as grounded or ungrounded as they are. I mean TEXAS would've make an F- at being an independent state. Don't tell my Grandpa I said such blasphemous things. It would break his already broken heart. But March 2nd is a great day, because it reminds me that I have a history and a bloodline that makes me strong. AAAAND possibly a little loony. That's okay. I'll take it. I slay elephants.