things i learned this week

1. Consequence is NOT a city in China. They are not a joke, and they affect and effect you in a very real way.
2. Letting myself down is a habit that is impossibly hard to break. I fail because I know how to deal with failure. Success is an uphill climb that is hard.
3. Disappointing someone you care about is the worst form of self destruction. Losing a friend because I was an idiot is a slow death that follows me around like a ball and chain. It's on my mind every second of every day.
4. Life lessons one through three have shaved a whopping six pounds off my butt in the last week. It's impossible to eat or sleep. Weight Watchers has nothing on the self hatred diet.

tantrum

So many times I make so much noise in my life so that I do not have to sit still. I yell, scream, and throw a temper tantrum. I crave failure, sadness, and for people to salud at my pity party. Think 'terrible two's' but thirties style. And now. Here we are.

What's smirkish to me about children that throw tantrums and fits about things that they do and do not want to do is that they can have the biggest wingding on the planet that can go on for hours and hours. And guess what? They still end up doing what their authority asked of them in the first place. Of course, there's snotty noses, tears, bruises, and (in my childhood experience) one big huge fanny whipping after the fact, but I still ended up attending the 94nth day of kindergarten, much to my dismay.

Today, I sat and filled out an online application that required me to line by line fill out my college transcript. Each line made me cringe more and more. Pharmacology. Remember when you stayed up all night and poured for hours over the chemical make up of drugs and their classifications? Kinesiology. I took those flashcards to the movies, to every dinner, to every practice, and to the ballet. Qualitative Anaylsis. I stared at a computer screen four to five hours a day until my eyes thought they were going to bleed. Anatomy. I carried a DEAD CAT around in my car so that I could have the extra time to study. Present day. I drink, I cry, I look for affirmation in people that could care less about me, I self destruct. I peel myself off the floor and do it all over again. What the hey diddy do I think I'm doing? I always thought that my future self would look back and my former self and say "Tsk, Tsk" Never did I think that my former self would be ashamed of my future self. It's f'ing embarrassing.

So now, I'm going to walk into my 95nth day of Kindergarten. Puffy eyes, torn shirt, bloody nose, bruises, bumps, and status post one very, VERY large ass kicking. With my head up and my heart straight. My 23 year old self is proud.

"It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities." - J.C. Stamp

things i learned this week.

1. I'm not getting any younger. I'm starting to require too much sleep and I preset my coffee maker. Gross.
2. I'm starting to really really really wonder if marriage is for me. I'm starting to worship at the Church of the Single Lady. I like it. It suits me.
3. Gary Allan is dreamy. I could listen to him all day every day. His heartbreak songs actually sound like his heart is breaking. "i'm just sitting out here, watching airplanes, take off and fly. trying to figure out which one you might be on, and why you don't love me anymore." Amen brother, amen.
4. Commitment is hard. It's even harder when its to yourself. I've said this multiple times before. I want to quit, it's starting to require so much time, energy, and resource. But if I can quit on myself, then really what kind of person would I be? Not one I would want to hang out with.
5. I'm ready for summer. My butt isn't. I hung my swimsuit in my bathroom so I would look at it everyday and make better food choices. So far, it hasn't helped.
6. I hate Apple and the Apple nation.
7. Being nice to people really is the best possible way to live your life. Say "Please and Thank You" open the door for people. Smile. Make someone else's day brighter. It's the simplest form of self fulfillment.

i made this for you.

I get the big stuff. Who doesn't? I mean, you gotta be pretty silly not to understand when something hits ya like a mack truck. Oil crisis in the Gulf, world hunger and poverty, AIDS, earthquakes and floods. These things are sad. The whole world knows it. You can text FEEDTHEHUNGRY to a number and donate money to the cause. A nameless boy scout has a camping accident in nowhere Oklahoma 20 years ago and loses a frontal lobe. He can't walk, is extremely limited in his activities of daily living, can't go to work full time, and will be forever dependent on someone else to make it on a day to day basis. Sure, we "sort of remember hearing something about that", but who follows up on stories like this? No one. Talk about having severe psycho-social issues. Dear Heavens.

These are my friends. The one on the left works for a non profit organization that trains dogs to be companions to people with various disabilities. The one on the right is going to be paired with the boy scout who had an unfortunate accident 20 years ago and lost the use of his legs. David has had Monte for over two years, trained him to pick up keys, shoes, laundry, and whatever else needed to be picked up off the floor. He has had the patience and tolerance to put up with not only raising a puppy, but raising a puppy to not bark at other dogs, chase after rabbits, pee on things in public, eat off a movie theatre floor, or to act out in general. The relationship they have is mutually respectful and super duper sweet. Monte will go live with his new buddy on Monday, and although a boy is gaining a dog, another one is losing his. So here's to the unsung hero. To the person who puts himself last in line. To the one who is not afraid of the challenge and commitment to better someone else. To my friend David: Congratulations on a job well done. I'm so very proud of you. The next round's on me.

XOXO,

Ray Ray

things i learned this week

1. Situations in life never change. At least you could be upfront and honest with someone on the playground about how you actually felt about them and the worst consequence was a time out.

2. Passive aggressive is not my strong suit.

3. Sometimes the whole entire world does not make sense. The only way to properly make it through these times is to keep your head down and don't look it in the eyes.

4. DO NOT under any circumstance leave your phone unattended around teenagers and children. You will have a lot of explaining to do that involves: stammering, lying, shuffling of feet, and one big "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!"

5. People will never fail to let you down. I keep learning this one over and over.

6. "Jessie" by Joshua Kadison is still one of the best tunes of all times.

things i learned this week

1. Standing up for yourself makes you feel super great.
2. Some things never ever ever change. Even though you really REALLY want them to, but you are secretly glad that they don't.
3. The ICD 9 for Patellofemoral Compression Syndrome is 733.92.
4. I need a pool and a hundred degree weather in my life.
5. The smaller things from the right people make me smile bigger than the bigger things from the wrong people.
6. Jello Sugar Free Chocolate Mousse = scrumdiddidlyumptious. Getchasome.
7. Chem 2 sucks worse. Much, much worse than Chem 1.

Rat Poison

There are times when I wonder if I'm taking the test or if I'm an option C on someone else's test. If you know me well, you know that I have a trifecta of old boyfriends. It goes in cycles, no matter how much I try. I think I heard from all of them in at least the last 24 if not 48 hours. How do you politely tell someone to LOSE MY NUMBER. kthanks. I'm over here picking up thousands of shattered pieces of myself, my fingers are bleeding and unrecognizeable, and I just want a party burrito with no chili sauce, a frozen margarita with extra salt, my footie pjs, and a Rachel McAdams movie, preferably the Notebook, but at this point I'm not picky. Eh. Maybe I should be flattered. I guess I have (in a droninig monotone voice) wonderful qualities as a wonderful person which draws COMPLETE PSYCHOTIC WUSSY BOYS TO ME. I apologize for ending that last sentence in a prepositional phrase, but alas, it could not be helped. So here is an open letter to the dearly departed of the Ghosts of Boyfriends Pasts (not to be confused with the Jennifer Garner/Matthew McConaughey movie. My movie is not a romantic comedy. Think: The Exorcist meets Freddy, Jason and Michael Myers)

Dear Sirs:

For reasons, for the most part, unbeknownst to me, we have come to this juncture in our strange relationships that has forced me to request that you be kind, respectful and loving to your current girlfriend(s). Thanks for using me as your teething ring. Get lost. Literally. I don't care that you hate your job, that you just spent 150 dollars on unneccessary things at 'wally world' or that your friend recently saw me looking hot, and that collectively you all wish "Things were different and that we could be friends"

Yours Truly,

Vomit in the back of my throat.


Time to get out the D-Con and seriously mean it.


"I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies. Two seemingly different ideas that might just be perfect together... like chocolate and peanut butter." C. Bradshaw

and back to the juco i go...

I'm moving back to midtown, my brother's getting married this weekend, and I have to go back to school. ICK. I'm money stressed to the max, I'm sick of Chem 2 already (and I haven't even been to the first class yet) and the last place I really want to go is to Kansas City this weekend to participate in wedding festivities. Yes. I said it outloud. I do not want to go to my own brother's wedding. I'm sure after I get there I will be much more excited, but at this point in time I'm so tightly wound that I could implode at any minute. *POOF* I have to apply for volunteer opportunities, register for the GRE (AND for the prep class) as well as go back to Tulsa Community College for round 2 of beatings.

This better be worth it.

On a happier note..... ummmmmmmm. hmmmmmm. I'll get back. As long as I can fit into my bridesmaid dress. Drunk, skinny, single older sister = fun. Drunk, fat older single sister = sad state of affairs.

yup.

I HAAAAATE New Years. No joke. But for some reason, I had the best New Year's I've had in a while. I kinda wish I could do it again. Happy New Year, Happy New Decade. Goodbye old. Hello New. Yikes and YAY.