tantrum

So many times I make so much noise in my life so that I do not have to sit still. I yell, scream, and throw a temper tantrum. I crave failure, sadness, and for people to salud at my pity party. Think 'terrible two's' but thirties style. And now. Here we are.

What's smirkish to me about children that throw tantrums and fits about things that they do and do not want to do is that they can have the biggest wingding on the planet that can go on for hours and hours. And guess what? They still end up doing what their authority asked of them in the first place. Of course, there's snotty noses, tears, bruises, and (in my childhood experience) one big huge fanny whipping after the fact, but I still ended up attending the 94nth day of kindergarten, much to my dismay.

Today, I sat and filled out an online application that required me to line by line fill out my college transcript. Each line made me cringe more and more. Pharmacology. Remember when you stayed up all night and poured for hours over the chemical make up of drugs and their classifications? Kinesiology. I took those flashcards to the movies, to every dinner, to every practice, and to the ballet. Qualitative Anaylsis. I stared at a computer screen four to five hours a day until my eyes thought they were going to bleed. Anatomy. I carried a DEAD CAT around in my car so that I could have the extra time to study. Present day. I drink, I cry, I look for affirmation in people that could care less about me, I self destruct. I peel myself off the floor and do it all over again. What the hey diddy do I think I'm doing? I always thought that my future self would look back and my former self and say "Tsk, Tsk" Never did I think that my former self would be ashamed of my future self. It's f'ing embarrassing.

So now, I'm going to walk into my 95nth day of Kindergarten. Puffy eyes, torn shirt, bloody nose, bruises, bumps, and status post one very, VERY large ass kicking. With my head up and my heart straight. My 23 year old self is proud.

"It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities." - J.C. Stamp