Happiness, it hurt like a train on the track.

So, I got fired. The story is long, but the take home message is that I have never been so destitute, depressed, shocked, wounded, and alive. Would I trade the pain YES YES YES, but for the life lessons and opportunities that I now have NO NO NO. I miss my patients, and most of my coworkers terribly. I do NOT miss my boss and the grueling slave working hours, or the sinking heart feeling I got when I pulled into the parking lot at 6 am. I'm moving out of my home state of 23 years to be with *squeaky voice* a very special super someone. I have nothing. I'm taking not a dang thing besides a toothbrush, a car full of clothes, a picture of my angel Em, a ton of love in my heart and a freedom that I didn't have the guts to give myself.

All I really know is that the "Dog Days Are Over."

The rest of this post is an open letter to my boss. Jump ship if you wish. Right meow.

I'd like to scream at you. I'd like to slash your tires and tell you that I hate you. I'd like to give you one hour of the pain and hurt I've endured. I'd like to give you all the sleepless nights and tears. I can't do any of those things because I feel sorry for you. I wish you actually cared about your patients like you WANT to, but have the absolute inability to do. I wish you cared about your support staff like you WANT to, but lack the ethics and depth of heart. You didn't even have the moxie to fire me. You had HR ask for your key back. Spineless. You are a joke all the way around the board. Your talent doesn't not make up for your flippiant patient care. The only reason that you succeed is because we lie, cheat, and steal for you to keep you on the almighty pedestal. Thanks for teaching me that a bigger bank account does not equate to a larger amount of happiness. Thank you for teaching me the consequence of letting your monetary values exceed your morality values. Thank you for showing me what selfishness breeds. Thank you for giving me my life back. Good luck finding a new clown for your circus. Give her my sincerest condolences.

emily grace.

Emily: emulating (which, I had to look up, and it means to 'equal or excel')

Grace: elegance or beauty of form

Emily Grace entered our lives on 9/22/2010, and went home to be with our Lord Jesus on 2/27/2011. You beyond lived your name. You excelled every one's expectations of beauty and every one's heart is bigger and more full of love because you were apart of our lives. I love you sweet girl. More than this life. Beyond heaven and earth. I can't wait to see you again. We have tons of slumber parties to have, Zoos to see, movies to watch, secrets to tell, fingers and toes to paint, and Disney World rides to ride. (which I know you already know this) but it's going to be so much more fun in Heaven than it would've ever been on Earth. My heart is so full and so broken. That's a new one for me little girl. I thought I had felt everything there was to feel, but you proved me wrong.

I promise to take care of and guard Bubs and your family for the rest of my days. Your life and your soul has given me more hope than I would have ever known. Your Momma and I's friend just found out that she is having a baby girl in August, and it brought tears to my eyes. Baby Girls are a true gift from God. Thanks for being the meaning of the word in my life. For the laughther, for the tears, for the abundance of grace you will always be. I love you Emmy Grace Farley. Keep watching over us. You are the song in my heart.

Things I learned this week

1. Frustration is something you let happen. I'm getting pretty awesome at not letting frustration win. Well at work anyways, my somewhat disasterous personal life is a different story.
2. Mint skinny cows are the best ones.
3. Letting go is hard.
4. I am a horrible horrible money manager. HORRIBLE
5. I think I'm ready for an answer to this long distance relationship question. I should be careful what I ask/wish for. Because, honestly, I'm not prepared for a 'No' answer. I have such a hard time being patient and LOVING being content with where it is now. It's really really good where it is now. But oh no. I have to push to a finite. I want him to move home, but I want out of Tulsa. There's tons of talk of long term-ness but making it work between 370 miles is easy and hard. It's hard because when the day has been too strong, he's not here to give me a hug. It's easy because I get total control of the remote, the covers, and the bathroom in the morning. I didn't really mean for this tangent to drag out this long. I just wish I knew the secret behind this magic trick, but then I suppose it wouldn't be as magical.
6. I hate writing papers. Critiques of Journal Articles are for the birds.
7. The ICD9 for a humerus fracture (just a general one, you can get specific with tuberosities and what not if you need to do so, but in a pinch this one works) is 812.00

sugar.cookie.

TWO POSTS TWO DAYS IN A ROW?!?! I'm bored. I'm not going to attempt to lie. This one is kinda ooey gooey. I hate ooey gooey. BLECH. But I gotta chat it out. Gotta put it down on the world wide interwebs so that when I'm sad and blue, I can look back at this post (and this atrocious punctuation/grammar combination) and know that I'm capable of an upside down frown. So here goes. Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Everyone else, come on in. The water is completely fine.

So the story starts out, I'm ummm 22-ish and at football practice. In the rain (I'm not sure if it was actually raining or not, but go with it) and completely twitterpated with the TU quarterback. Cliche. I know. But he's tall, dark, and dreamy, and it's raining. Maybe. So it's Sunday afternoon-evening, and they are just running through mock plays and kind of just screwing around. And Jacob* (names have been changed to protect the guilty) starts calling verbals from the line like this...... SUGAR. COOKIE. and GREEN. BEAN. and ORANGE. JUICE. and COTTON. CANDY. and RUBBER. BALL and while we are all kinda laughing, I'm sort of intrigued in why he's choosing to call fake plays in a very precise manner (most plays are a random number and a random color. Football players are simple creatures). So I ask. Because I needed a reason to talk to the dreamy, wet dog smelling, quarterback and I honestly really wanted to know. So the convo goes like this. AHEM:

Me: Sugar cookie?
J: Yep
Me: Right. Why?
J: Because they go together.
Me: Well, sort of I guess. But you can have one without the other.
J: But why would you want to?




*** DISCLAIMER *** This is the kiss of death I'm pretty sure. I don't think he'll ever see this unless I unveil it to him, but I've learned that once you start writing it down, it goes south. Fast. *shrugs shoulders* Eh. Sie la vie. I'm too icky sticky happy to care right now.

The sugar to my cookie. The bean to my green. The cotton to my candy. Get it? I thought so. He makes me laugh before I say 'hello'. He lets my melancholy stew simmer. He calls in the middle of the night to tell me a joke. He quotes 'Friday' and 'Super Troopers' at all appropriate and inappropriate times. He loves Red Dirt. Music. Not the actual dirt. He plays Modern Warfare. He can change a tire in Rock 'n Repbulics and an Armani button down. He would be slightly irritated if he knew that I wrote that as a thing I like but he would secretly like it that I like it. He's not afraid to let me order for him. He two steps better than me. A LOT better. He buys things because they are on sale. Errr, I mean because they are a bargain (everyone that lives in a three story six plex needs a thirty foot ladder. Creeper.) He youtube fights with me. He drinks pomegranate vodka (I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!?) He's a Cowboy in an Oklahoma State kinda way. He's more addicted to How I Met Your Mother and A&E than I am. His love affair with Sriracha is a thing of beauty. He's a red wing voter. Slightly left wing liver. He's a tech nerd. BIG tech nerd. He owns guns, a bow, and takes his hat off when the National Anthem plays. His designer jean collection is a thing of reverence. He holds my hand. Even when it's just us. His OCD is out.of.control. But not in a psycho way. He always agrees to "TAKE A PICTURE" and then on the 901th one, he covers my face up. And it's funny.

I hope your face lights up like Christmas when you talk about me. I hope you get up in the morning and wish that my shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/shaving cream/body scrub/girl paraphenalia et. al. was in your way. I hope you eat at Oceano's and get the mussels. I hope your tickets are next to mine. I hope someone walks by you with D&G's Light Blue on. And you look twice. I hope someone orders a tall fat tire and a shot of rumple. I hope a KOL song comes on the radio. I hope you know how much you color my gray skies blue.

I'll take today over yesterday anyday.

snowed in

It's cold. And by cold I mean unless your house is literally on fire, it is impossible to be warm. I currently have on some Uggs and a big North Face (thank you E) and I'm still cold. There's a fire in the fireplace, and I've turned up both heaters more than once now. All of this complaining to say that I am thankful that I have power. And water. I know people in Texas who have no heat and their septic is frozen. This means well... Let your 1890's imagination run wild here. Ick.

My boss has been so excited for a snow day, and now that they have just called off day THREE of work, I'm going to have to remind him to be more cautious of what he wishes for. Which brings me back again to the current life dilemma. I can't put forth anymore effort to discuss it, so I'm not going to do so. What I AM going to do is share what I learned today from everyone's dear friend Walt Disney. I have forgotten what great life lessons Mr. Disney had/has by imparting the plain things are the main things. I watched the Princess and the Frog today. GREAT MOVIE. It's set in 1950's-ish New Orleans (or NAHLANNS if you are actually from there) and the short stint that my family did there, makes me wish for some good gumbo and a heaping helping of bread pudding with a side of bananas foster. Anyhow, so the story is based loosely on the 'princess kisses a frog and he turns into a prince' tale, and as life doesn't go the way that everyone hopes and dreams for.... the leading lady starts to realize that it's not striving for what we want that is imperative. It's loving what we need.

I need my family. My dad and his hilarious personification of southpark characters (and his magical ability to change flat tires). My mother and her kind spirit and her contagious laugh. My sister with her opinioniated compassion. My brother with his wit and his edge. My precious sister in law who will speed knit with a book light to make sure I have a warm beanie.

I need my friends. My college roomie RY RY who can sit and watch TLC with me for hours, who can make me laugh no matter what, and will always go get yogurt with me. Shanwow who is my cheerleader when I flunk out and is honest with me about what REAL is. AAQ who proves that succeeding is not a destination, but an ongoing struggle to stay ahead of ones humanistic failure self. ChristinaMariaConsuelaGonzalesBananahammockPicassoSernaFarley who proves that just because it's not a cookie cutter fairy tale doesn't mean that it isn't one. My Morige Porgie Puddin Pie, who loves everyone for who they are. My JohnnaKay who will tell the story again, with the Brooklyn accent and everything for the simple reason that I asked, and who reminds me that it's okay to be sad but it's not okay to live in the pit of dispair.

It's okay to dream. It's okay to reach for the stars. But to realize that you don't need the dream, you need the love, the laughter, and the support of those people in your life who make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. Knowing that you have a strong army to take on whatever the day brings your way is better than anything I could ever dream of.

Things I've learned this week

1. Yellow Cake Batter Yogurt is so good. I have dreams about it. So far, I have not found this scrumdittlyumptious treat anywhere other than in Keller, TX. This is a good thing, as I would've abandon all fruits, vegetables, and proteins in my diet to solely thrive on yellow cake batter yogurt and fresh strawberries. I'm not kidding. If anyone finds it within 100 miles of the 918, please contact me ASAP.
2. Patience is a virtue that I lack immensely. Jack Ingram sings a song called "Riding High" and there's a line in it... "there's a certain amount of freedom when you realize everything is in doubt". True. I've been working toward something for 18 months. Full steam ahead. And now I'm in the waiting place. It's super hard for me to wait for the next answer, or the next step, but my freedom is that everything is NOT in doubt. I know that God has the next step already planned out. I just have to wait for Him to reveal what's around the next corner.
3. I've been trying to pick up two diet uh, nutrition habits every week. I have been doing the traditional, pick up five cups of veggies, and three liters of water, and a multivitamin... you get the drift. This week I read that eating two apples a day will cut down on the 'appearance' of cellulite and that taking an extra 500mg of vitamin C everyday will help you burn more fat. Now these are some diet nutrition tips I can get behind! I don't know if they actually work or not, but I'm giving them a shot.
4. The ICD9 for shoulder instability is 718.31.
5. Frustration, thy name is FAFSA.

grace.

I am absolutely astonished with the Grace of God. Yes, I feel as though it is a proper noun and if I could write the phrase as a whisper or as a symbol, I would. That's how respectful I am of the power that it holds.

My walk with God is rocky. I challenge. I pout. I throw tantrums. I try to make deals. I do it my way. I have ended up in the belly of a big whale. I made a mistake. I disobeyed. I haven't even said I am sorry for what I've done, and what blows me away is that even as I sit here in the belly of a whale in spiritual time out, God's Grace is poured out on me in insurmountable quantities. EVEN THOUGH I screwed up royally, God has put the right people in front of me to make all situations right again, and I am literally drowning in the grace that has been poured over me. It's absolutely indescribable. Maybe one day, after this whole thing is said and done, I'll be able to talk about the whole experience. Let's make sure I learn the lesson first.

Isaiah 43:1 "I have called you by My name, you are Mine, God says. When you pass through the waters I will be with you and through the rivers they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire you will not be scorched, nor will the flames burn you for I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your Savior." God doesn't promise no waters and no rivers and no fires, He just promises to be there when we're going through. Even when we are in the wrong. Even when we have sinned against Him, even when we disobey. Because when you are a child of the King, he covers you up in His love no matter what. It's been hard for me to accept that. I think I'm starting to do better.

And you're never going to know it, and you're never going to know the exhilaration of it and you're never going to know the thrill of it unless you can just rest in the suffering and let God pour out the grace. And you find yourself singing at the strangest places and times and you'll find a peace in your heart that knows no explanation and you find a joy that's disconnected from your circumstances because this grace is an energy that transforms. It's not in itself a static gift. Grace is an energy that chooses you. It's an energy of being flooded with blessing from God that alters your thinking...changes you, transforms you. - John MacArthur