things i've learned this week

1. I love my friends. I already knew this, but to be reminded of it is good fun.

2. Having a four day weekend sucks. It's great and all, but going BACK to work is bru-tal.

3. I hate snow, winter, etc.

4. Glittery toe nail polish is to be added to things that sound like a good idea but are not. Also on this list is: Bangs, and Rumple.

5. Getting stuck in snow and ice makes me wanna drink. I wish you could have an option. No thanks, I don't want to get my car stuck, I would rather have a beating. Thankyouverymuch.

6. Trying to lose ten pounds before 1/16/10 would be a lot easier if the Brook did not exist.

7. The fact that I can do the Miley Cyrus "Hoedown Throwdown" AND am really good at it is a little disturbing.

Christmas State of Mind

I love this time of year. I love everything Christmas is about, I even love the stress of getting a year wrapped up. At work, the end of the year is a MADHOUSE. It's fun. I call it my magical fairy dust wand. I can squeeze and shimmy one more surgery into every nook and cranny, and the gratefulness of people is astounding. Taking ten more minutes out of my day to make someone elses day, week, and year better is the cherry on top for me. From sweet elderly ladies with extremely displaced meniscal tears to high school kids with ACL tears and labral tears who need the holiday break to recover. It seems in the midst of the stress and the chaos, when we are able to make orthopedic "magic" happen, it's all the more amazing.

We took a little girl to the OR after clinic to do a closed reduction under fluoroscopy this week. She was seven, and she was the bravest little soldier I have ever seen. As we were taking her to the OR, she was saying her Bible verse of the week "When I am afraid, I will trust in You, In God whose word I praise, in God I trust I will not be afraid." It was AWESOME. I was moved to the point of tears, and teetering on the verge of a breakdown. This little seven year old girl quoting scripture in a time of uncertainty. The angels must have been having a heyday. Little Lucie is my inspiration for the week, and possibly the year. Secondly, watching Dr. Superwonderful put that little girls arm back where it needed to be was not earth shattering and took all of ten seconds, but to hear him say to her parents, "I am just a tool that God uses to help His people" was so amazing. Granted, a closed reduction of a seven year old's arm was not the "coolest" thing I've seen him do all year. Not even close. But to hear his humility and humbleness in the service of Christ the King was the greatest Christmas present I got this year, and I haven't even unwrapped any presents. I like to complain alot about patients and my boss' nuances and overbearing nature, but I am honestly blessed beyond measure to be this surgeon's right hand. Someone definitely knew what they were doing when I was hired to work for him, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't Dr. Superwonderful....

This year I have realized that when I wipe the state of depression and self loathing from my eyes, I find a pretty cool girl that is stronger than she knows, and who lives in a allowance of grace that is extremely past any understanding.

MERRY CHRISTMAS YA'LL!!!!!

things that make me nuts

Man this week has been seriously just silly. I had several tests I needed to study for and the work week was BRU-TAL, and I almost got hit by a train. This is not a joke. You know that moment when you're sitting on a train track waiting for a light to change, and you think to yourself.... I wonder what would happen if a train were to just come down that track right now?? Yeah, that happened to me. On my way to my chemistry test. After taking that test, I'm starting to wonder if getting crushed by that train would have been easier.

At any rate, IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S PAYDAY, and I DON'T HAVE ONE THING I NEED TO BE DOING AT WORK TODAY.

So, I am making a pictoral list of things that kick my OCD into overdrive.

1. Cherry ChapStick. Smells do not gross me out, as I am a Medical Professional. Everything about the way CherryChapstick smells makes me GAG.

2. Eraser tops. I am already erasing something, which means I've made a mistake, and just when I start to get a really good erase going... these things fall off and invariably go behind your computer or roll across the floor. I hate these things so much that I would like to strangle their creator. I give them the middle finger in my mind when I see them. Mechanical pencils are the way to go anyhow. Welcome to the 21st Century.

3. Open cabinents. Seriously, it took a nanosecond to open it. Take another nanosecond to close it. God made these to open for a reason, there is a reason they close as well.

4. I'm not a fan of cartoon character printed scrub tops (you will hardly ever find me in a printed scrub top at all) but the scooby doo printed scrub tops make me want to scream. If you work in a Pediatric Clinic of any sort, the scooby scrubs are ALMOST excusable. ALMOST. However, if you are wearing one and I am rude to you, it's not you. It's the stupid scrubs you are wearing that I can't stand to be around.

That's all for now. I am sure that there are more things to be added to this list at a date TBD. I'm going to start my Friday of fun by kicking back with my coffee and my Stephanie Meyer book. I love my life today.

Friday Night Fever

I love kids. I really do. I love lots of things about children... they are funny, meticulous about the funniest things, procure the strangest habits (especially ones of an eating nature) and the number one thing I love about kids is that I don't have any.

I'm in charge of Captain D Jr. this fine Friday evening, and baby bear has a temperature and possibly the strep throat. Strep throat is a four letter curse word that is worse than any spell you could even wand at me. When someone in my office says "I think I have strep or something" my psychosematic tendencies go straight into overdrive. *POOF* itchy throat and swollen tonsils. Anyways, not the point of this story.

So, here I am with a wilted and sad six year old who's only chance at making it through the night was to get several movies at Blockbuster, and the lady behind the counter refuses to give me the movies because I am not Mrs. Captain D. Oh boy. Here we are, I'm holding a very sick, deadweight, gangly boy, AND trying not to breathe the same air as he is, AND trying to reason with this woman. I would like to take this opportunity to say YOU ARE WELCOME as I am not going to paint a picture with my words as to what this woman looked like, but it was very apparent that she was destined to be the gatekeeper of "Horton Hears a Who". Finally Jake looks up at the Blockbuster nazi and says "LADY, I'M SICK AND TIRED AND I WANNA GO HOME, SO GIVE US THE MOVIES".

It worked. I swiped the card, signed my name and ran for our lives before she decided to stupefy us or call the cops for fraud (I used Mrs. Captain D's credit card, and told her that I didn't have my ID on me because it had been stolen. Which is not a lie, I have had my ID stolen twice...)

Amazingly enough, I was so shocked and stunned that I didn't start laughing hysterically until we got to the car. Out of sheer curiousity, I asked Jake why he yelled at the Blockbuster lady, and he says this: I don't get what her problem is. We give her the money, she gives us the movies. It's easy.

Oh life through the eyes of a six year old. Never afraid to say what he means or what he 'needs' and most definitely not afraid to be firm about his intentions when someone is being less than accomodating. I need to take a lesson.

things i learned this week

1. Britney's concerts are lots of flash and flair, but the girl can actually sing. I wish MTV still did their unplugged series, she would be awesome. Also, as super as all her other songs are, the crowd still goes wildest for "Baby One More Time" Which I think is neat-o.
2. Being responsible is a daily (sometimes hourly/minutely/secondly) decision. If I can't be responsible in my late twenties, when will I actually be accountable to myself??
3. School, homework and test still SUCK.
4. I miss leisure reading.
5. "Finding" time to go to the gym will never happen.
6. I really wanted to ditch work and school and go to Brit's concert in Dallas tonight. Captain DT reminded me that I had obligations and commitments that superseded Ms. Spears and that I had already seen her once this week. Being old is negative fun.

things i've learned this week

1. Chemistry is hard. There is a reason that I have removed this chapter of my high school experience from my brain. It is highly conceptual and not really that important to what I want to do with my life.

2. Diligence is even more hard. When I commit to do something, it is not the purpose to which I make my committment, it is the decision to follow through to which I bind myself.

3. I love hot tamales so much that I become obsessed with them. I will eat every last one that is in my sight.

4. I'm still allergic to the ever so infamous "stoli oli"

5. Whenever a combustion occurs, the result is ALWAYS carbon dioxide and water. ALWAYS.

6. Patience is a virtue that is much more stubborn than I am.

attitude of gratitude

I was reading one of those little email things [it's been sloooow here on the ranch lately] about how little kids describe love. There were so many very sweet things on there, and then I read this one.....

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."Cindy - age 8

And I almost had a breakdown.

If you have ever participated in a piano recital, especially a big one where you are playing Beethoven from memory and being graded, you know what a nightmare it is. Your hands start sweating way before your name is called. Sweaty digits are a tried and true recipe for recital disaster. When the lady with the extremely thick glasses, too tight nest-y bun, and gaudy rings calls your name... you have a large puddle of perspiration in the middle of your back and your panty hose is stuck to your legs in the worst way. You get up on blindingly lit stage and look at the people in the audience. The majority of the audience is hoping you screw up so that they a better grade and ranked ahead of you, and this feeling automatically triggers the bile to swell in your mouth. Then you see your mom and your dad sitting on the edge of their seat with these ridiculous smiles on their face. They are waving and blowing kisses. They can't wait to hear you play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata for the 19th million time. They have heard you butcher it, play the same stanzas over and over, helped you with your crescendos and decrescendos, listened to your dispairs, encouraged you to keep playing, and celebrated with you the first time you played the whole thing flawlessly. They believe in you.

Life is much like a piano recital. The majority of the people in my audience are keeping their fingers crossed that I fail, while others are silently judging my performance and critiquing my abilities. Whispers and giggles run rampant through the sea of jerks, but when I see my Mom and Dad out there waving their silly waves and smiling their biggest smiles, I'm not scared anymore.

My cup runneth over.

Things I learned this week

1. I miss one of my college roomates more than anything in the whole entire world. The other one, I wish would just fall off the face of the earth.
2. My obsession with Keith Urban has be rejeuvenated and he is truly the sweetest country singer ever. "Only You Can Love Me This Way" makes me cry. Everytime.
3. Crunchwrap Supremes are still delicious.
4. My Grandma's birthday was this week. I think death sucks.
5. I had a chance encounter with two ex boyfriends in the same place this weekend. One I can't stand, the other I can't live without, and I thought they would be vice versa. Life is funny when it happens to you.

Class of '99

Oh ten year high school reunion. How much unexpected fun you were. It's so hilarious to me to see where everyone is, and to think that a very short ten years ago, we were walking across a very small stage with forty of our best friends, with big dreams and wishes, but then a big monster comes up behind the unexpecting baby dreams and infant wishes and gobbles them right up and washes them down with a giant glass of scorn.

I thought I had lots of time. People kept telling me: "Oh you are so young" Huh. Well, guess what I woke up today, and I'm gonna be 29 in two-ish months, and I can honestly say I have not lived up to my fullest potential. Not even close. Why did I think it was just going to fall into my lap? When did I assume that after a college education and a few letters behing my name would mean that I could stop bettering myself? Complacency has never been apart of my life before. When I was in sports, we never got a pat on the back for being "good". We could have just beat our biggest rival and the gym could be on fire with our praise, and my coach would stop us and say, "Why didn't you run the last press correctly? Get on the line." I used to strive for perfection. I once got a C in a college class, and retook the ENTIRE class over my senior year so that I wouldn't have a C on my transcript. The old addage "C's get degrees" wasn't even on the radar for me. Completely unacceptable. Why did I think that the real world would just fall at my feet? Not sure. But I'm here to tell you that was tragically not the case.

Bad News: I have stopped climbing and started camping. Good News: I'm almost 29, single, and I can fix it.

Big Big decisions are being made. I'm standing on a cliff and either I jump now and enjoy the ride, or life will have me thrown off and I'll scream and fight the whole way down.

I'm jumping.

Yikes.

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry

I've spent the last few days in mourning for something that I thought was no longer apart of my existence. Read: a relationship. So, in my silly grieving state, I have been listening to all kinds of troubadour ballads, and I stumble upon this quote from William Fitzsimmons (who is the undisputed King of Troubadours)

"The funny thing about listening to songs you found at intensive times in your life is they act as a landmark of affectivity; reminding you where you were at first listen, and giving insight into where you are today. What you've gained, what you've lost, insights you would have preferred but which only come in their own time. Over the last several months I have noticed a real and salient sea change. It's a good thing. Would I trade the pain? Yes. Yes. Yes. But would I trade the invaluable wisdom such difficulties bring? No. Never. Knowledge only comes with a price, I suppose."

It's borderline comical how for such a long time I would strive to go back to the beginning. I'm blaming this on Chris Martin Chapter One. Of course I wanna go back to chapter one, chapter one was butterflies and unicorns. Lately, I wanna go back to Chapter 3945 or maybe 98651, because that's where the mistakes are. I want the opportunity to change those Chapters, which is of course ludicrous. So here's in hopes that the insights that I would have preferred in those points in time have refined me for the unwritten pages.

I'm just hoping that I have the unrequited silent strength it takes to fight this battle, not only becuase the risk is well worth the reward, but also because the person that I'm fighting looks back at me in a reflection.

summer summer summertiiiiiime.

I have begun to totally suck at my blogging. So for my half year resolution (since of course the new year's resolutions have gone the way of the dodo bird) I am going to be a better blogger. I know the excitement is hardly containable.

Life Lessons I have learned in 2009:

1. DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE write down your "boyfriend's" plans down in your planner. Because when that boyfriend becomes a rat bastard, nothing makes you wanna gag like happening upon all of his plans that are in your moleskine. I'm one 'Matt's in Ada for a BBQ contest' away from getting a new planner, and doing very bad things to the old one.

Huh. Well that was a short list. Maybe I'll think of other things to put on there later on.

Moving on to bigger and better lists....

Cool Stuff I have planned for the rest of the summer/year.

1. JMACTAC's bridal shower and wedding reception.
2. St Louis Cards series and Hallemeyer fun.
3. WICKED
4. HS Reunion. Which I didn't think I would be excited about, but now I am.
5. DFest and especially Citizen Cope. This will be the fourth time I will have seen Clarence, and I fall more in love with him every time.
6. Britney. This will be the second time THIS YEAR I will have seen Britney.
7. HAWAII!!!! WHHAAAAAAT?!?!?!? I know, right??? Ten days of sun and sand and

So here's to all the BBQ contests I will not be attending. Good riddance. Hawaii called, they said you and your BBQ contests can eat it. I happily concurred.

halfway through another one

Congratulations kids, 2009 is about halfway over. I'm not going to lie, I'm not upset about the fact that the time is flying. I got to spend Memorial Day weekend with some of my favorite people in the entire world, and got to step out of reality for two and a half days. It was very much needed and so much more fun than I ever thought that it really could be. The ridiculous sunburn was totally worth the price of admission.

what now

I've got this acquaintence who always talks about "brooding" and while I'm pretty well aware of what that means, I decided to wiki it and see EXACTLY what it meant. It pulled up as AVIAN INCUBATION. I giggled a little bit, and then I laughed alot. We talk about being cranky and insightful over our thoughts, feelings, and emotions and being depressed, and for a mother bird it means that she is sitting, waiting in anticipation for her baby birds to hatch. Humans are so stupid sometimes. We use words to mean something that they are not supposed to mean at all just because someone somewhere thought it sounded good for their own purpose. Silly. So I will no longer be using the word 'brooding' when talking about over analyzing my life's station. I will be using the words 'being silly'. Because that's what it really is.

I went to my sister's graduation yesterday, and we were pretty far up and I shouldn't have been able to pick her outta the lineup. And then I did. One of the coolest things about being in my family is that each of us can kind of pick up on bloodline vibes. I can pick up the phone and call my mother, and nine times outta ten she says "I was just getting ready to call you". My dad will ask about something that I've been needing that I haven't asked for, or been trying to secretly do on my own. My mom and I can be in the car, and out of nowhere we both bring randomly bring up the same thing. Anyhow, right as I point and say, "There she is".... she turns and looks right at us and waves. She picked her 10 family members out of the thousands that were there. Pretty flippin' sweet. So the President of the college gives this quote from Yogi Bera "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Interesting insight.

I'm done 'brooding' and I'm done standing at the proverbial multi-pronged fork in the road. I'm not sitting on any eggs, and I'm not gonna blame all of life on the fact that I just don't know what to do. Thanks for the fork life. I hate your guts. I'm going to eat them with this fork you just gave me with some salt and tabasco sauce.

P.S. My siblings are all grown up. My brother has gotta soul mate, my sister's moving outta state.... Golly wolly. What now.

vegas. good for the soul.

My very most favorite thing about Vegas. No one cares. There are people with tons of money there and there are people with no money there. No one cares that you are sad, broken, and dying inside so much that you feel like it should be tattooed on your forehead "loser" or "pathetic" because everyone is there to find their own version of a good time. Mine included a Cheeseburger in Paradise, a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity, alot of time at the Miracle Mile, a 360 degrees Tickle Me Pink, the water show at the Bellagio, and Ms. Britney Spears.

Sidebar: just because it's HEAVY on my heart right now. So I live in a semi small town and I've lived here long enough to sit down next to pretty much anyone and figure out how I know someone they know. Kevin Bacon and his six degrees have nothing on my one. So my roomate's boyfriend is BFF with my college love-of-my life. Sidebar to the sidebar: I recently got DUMPED. In the no call no show kinda way so this makes it that much harder for me. Okay so back to original story.... so my roomie goes and has drinks with my ex and his NEW GIRLFRIEND. Now, JT hasn't had a girlfriend since we broke up (I got no called no showed there too....weird) and so it's a little *REALLY* hard for me to hear about him dating someone else, because I hear allllllll the time "You guys are really gonna end up together, you're just too perfect for each other." Anyhow, this is now the second time, from the second person I know that I got to hear about what a great girl this girl is for him and how I would just love her. No thanks. That dagger to the heart was just a little too sharp. I was wondering if you had a spoon handy.

So, I go to Vegas with my most favorite thing on the face of the planet. My sister. Funny and or tragic things happen when any of the family members get together.... and so as we are getting on the plane to go to Vegas, they are boarding through the normal "rows 21 and higher" routine, and this girl with a glitter shirt on and a very fake tan says "when are you seating the 'A' seats??" WOW. Please put down the spray paint can and the ziploc baggie and join the rest of us here on the planet Earth. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a great trip... and it was.

Brit brit. How I love you so. I got a TON of crap from people I work with an people I know about going to see the Princess of Pop, but let me just say this. It is amazing to me how these people turn their noses up at Britney Spears mostly because her 'shameful' life is on a stage for the whole world to see. How many NORMAL people if they had their lives plastered all over the gossip blogs would be considered that much more holy than the girl from Louisiana who says ya'll too much and who just wants to be able to go to the grocery store without having someone taking pictures of the contents of her grocery basket while making comments on how no wonder she's gotten so fat. The same world that sang her praises and put her on that pedestal, pushed her right on off simply because she is a human (not perfect). I don't know about you, but that would be enough to send me over the edge. Okay, end Britney rant.

So I'm back from Vegas, and I'm tired, happy, and refreshed in myself. I know that I can do this. All of it. I don't necessarily WANT to keep my shoulder to the wheel, and I'm sick of the elbow grease, but I can do this. It's funny how you train your brain to think in certain ways... "If I just did or had this one more thing, I would be happy" PUH-LEASE. For upwards of six-ish years now, I've been telling myself that if I was in THE relationship that I would be happy. What kind of logic is that?!?!

So I sat down with someone I don't know all that well and explain to them how it just wasn't fair that everyone gets everything that they want except for me, and do you know what this guy's response was?? It gets its own paragraph cause I love it so much.

"Rachel, there is someone sitting on a porch with a friend saying the exact same thing about their love life, and your lives just haven't collided in the right way yet" I love this. It's very simple and very Fievel Mousekewitz. I love simple answers to hard questions. The question isn't WHY it's just a matter of WHEN, and I'm starting to realize that if "when" turns into "never" I'm pretty okay with that too.

tragedies in threes.

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit, you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work you and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
Well I been down and I need your help I’ve been feeling sorry for myself
Don’t hesitate to boost my confidence
I been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love-protection
What do you say, honey, come to my defense?
I’ll stand up for you if it’s what you need and I can take a punch, I don’t mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me
And you give me all of your attention I got deep desire and it needs quenchin’
I think that’s pretty plain for you to see
Hell, enough about me and more about you cause that’d be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and polite
I thought I was done with telling you but I ain’t nearly halfway through
I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
You always did kind of drive me crazy and pissed me off ‘cause I let it faze me
But I never wanted my time with you to end
Now I’m back in town for a day or two and mostly I came back just to see you
I’m leaving now but I don’t want to go
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

This song is putting somewhat of a bandaid on the hole that's been ripped out of the middle, kind of on the left side of my chest wall.

In the last week, my grandfather passed away, my "boyfriend" says that he has changed his mind about the direction of our relationship, and I flipped an SUV. I spend every single second of every single day trying to hold it together. I have to physically tell myself to breathe in and out. I have NEVER in my life hurt this bad. EVER. I am well aware of the fact that it could be "worse" but my frame of reference has never been "worse" than this. Besides relative terms are just that. Subjective to the person experiencing the pain, and this pain has knocked me entirely out of orbit.

It's amazing to me the people who you have in your life who you think care, but they really don't. When life rains so hard on me I can't breathe, I look around for the people that I thought would be there for me. There are people there, but not so much the ones I thought I could count on.

I have two "flat mates" with whom I had fallings out with, and they were the first ones there. They cried with me, held my hand, and promised me that everything was going to be okay... knowing that they were the only ones that could make me believe it. I had three very new friends who were more than happy to help me through a day that I didn't think I was going to make it through. I have an old boyfriend who yeah, maybe things didn't really work out so much with, but he sends me irish bells and tulips on st. patty's day with a card that says this....

Oh she is my dear and darlin' one
Her eyes are sparklin' full of fun
No other, no other
Could match the likes of her

Oh she is my dear my darlin' one
My smilin' and beguilin' one
I love the ground she walks upon

It's always good to know that the relationships you have and had, love the fingerprints you left on their heart. I'm glad to have the parents, the siblings, the old boyfrienD, and both the vintage and shiny new friends that I have. They are the strongest and most loyal people on the face of the planet. They are my best angels and because of them, I'm gonna be okay.

I hope someday I remember how to smile and mean it.

"blindsided" bon iver

It's March. Wait. . . It's MARCH?!?!? Yeah. Ready or not right? I'm gonna go with not ready. Not even a little ready, but that's okay I guess the best double blade about life is that it happens to you, ready or not. I'm just ready to be more ready and not so much not ready.

My life is on FFWD right now. Like the stupid FFWD where the DVR skips all the way to the end or stops the whole show for no reason. I am sitting down and taking five or ten minutes to be quiet and breathe. I write this blog for the most part to make me slow down, to regulate the high and low. I write this for me. I don't write it for people to read it and think I'm super cool or super ew. They might think that if they happenstance upon it anyhow, but it's not for THEM. It's for me to sit. It's kinda meditation. If someone else identifies, then YAHTZEE.

Sunday: Sleep in, check. Watch the top fifty sports bloopers on FSN, check. Put away the clean dishes, check. Put away groceries with JKH, check. Get a phone call from the boss' wife saying he's been admitted and that he's SUPER sick, uhhhhh no thanks? Get a frantic phone call from mom saying my grandpa is in renal failure and in ICU, uhhhhhh, can I get a sick day on a weekend???

Our family has this HILARIOUS saying that came from Sesame Street, and I almost wanna say it's from a Bert and Ernie book. . .anyhow, one of the puppets are in the bathtub and there's a bunch of other stuff in the bathtub with him (the eighties were strange folks, blow painted every one's hopes and dreams a nice shade of tie dye) and all of a sudden there's an elephant in the bathtub. I should find the book, cause it would make more sense. ANYHOW. When someone says "I have an elephant in my bathtub" it means, their plate is full. And I have the biggest, fattest, most disgusting elephant in my bathtub right now. I hate him. His name is .... I haven't named him yet. He just showed up today and I haven't had the time. I'll get back.

I'm everyone's glue. Fix this, hold this together, this is an emergency. I'm the protocol book. "Just call Rach. She can fix everything". I guess that should be a compliment. Today it feels like someone dropped a five ton elephant in my mango bubble bath and said, "Merry Christmas". I guess I don't mind it so much. I have the ability to take care of the elephant. Sometimes I chop him up and feed him to the birds, sometimes I call his owner and tell him to come pick him up, sometimes I make him think we are friends, just to ship him to a feed factory at the last expecting second. But I always get rid of him. (Notice that this elephant is always a male?? That's not a coincidence) I should quitthebitchin. I love that people lean on me. It makes me feel good. I love that someone can call me when their life feels like it's gonna crumble and I can put it back together and make it pretty and new again. I hate that I dont' have that to fall back on. When my life starts to sink fast, I don't have anyone that I can call to fix it. "Hi, I'm drowning in the most disgusting bathwater ever, and I need someone to come save me..... uuuhhhhh.... HELLO?!?!?" Eh. I'll get out of it. I have a piece of chewing gum and a wire hanger. MacGyver has nothing on this.

On a sidenote, tomorrow is TEXAS Independence Day. My Papa Bob (the one in ICU) could tell you every single reason that TEXAS should be it's own country. He'll make a believer outta you too. I promise. We have celebrated TEXAS independence day every year since I can remember by eating Mexican food. "Hello irony, we'll have a table for five." Anyhow, traditions are key as grounded or ungrounded as they are. I mean TEXAS would've make an F- at being an independent state. Don't tell my Grandpa I said such blasphemous things. It would break his already broken heart. But March 2nd is a great day, because it reminds me that I have a history and a bloodline that makes me strong. AAAAND possibly a little loony. That's okay. I'll take it. I slay elephants.

jason .... round ninety two.

Seriously with another Jason movie? Ya gotta be joking. Why do people watch that stuff?? How many times has Jason died, I mean I know of at least one. He got his head cut off. But for some reason, he managed to make it back to the box office. What I think is funny is that they released it right before Valentines Day, most likely in the hope that people will take their Valentines to see the new Jason movie. No lie, my BF would love to go. I said no way. We are sitting on the couch and gonna watch sappy love movies. It's Valentines Day after all!! (He doesn't know this yet either. I imagine that this will go over like a fart in church, but what baby wants, baby freaking gets.) Anyhow, I had some free time on my hands at work (shocking, I know) and so my mind started to work in a funny way. Which it does after a night of cocktails, tuaca, and an odd no... VERY ODD chain of events. The hungover hamster is pretty insightful. So I was thinking about VDAY and JASON, and here's what I came up with.

AHEM.

Love is like Friday the 13th.

We put ourselves out there and love and trust someone, and they cut our head off. But we manage to go back for more. It's ridiculous. I mean really, it's not fair. In this world where it's every man for himself, we crave a hand to hold and a heart to share. We love someone even more when they hurt us. We forgive the unforgiveable, we overlook the indiscretions, we hang on to the edge with our bleeding fingers trusting that another human being will save us from our own self, and give us a reason to live. There is absolutely zero, if not negative, logic in that whole process. It's dumb and idiotic.

I have a friend who has a heart and soul that seriously belongs to this guy that she once upon a time couldn't breathe without. Life happened, and they aren't together anymore, but every time either one of them dates someone, the rest of us stand there and scratch our heads. They are like Mickey and Minnie, Kermit and Miss Piggy, Bonnie and Clyde. You get the picture. We all hope they hold out for each other.

I have THREE friends from high school who have parents that were married for thirty plus years, and are now divorced.

I have a patient who is currently working on marriage number FIVE.

The super crazy part? None of these people would take back their love life experiences. My friend says she would do it all again, even knowing that there would be unbearable pain, my friends parents say that were blessed to share their life with someone for thirty years as most people don't get that opportunity, my patient says that most people only have one great love and she's had five.

There's no rhyme or reason. None. So I'm just gonna hang out here on the ledge with the rest of humanity and keep the faith... because obviously there is really something to this love thing. I'm just hoping the reward really is worth the risk.

Maybe we will just go see the new Friday the 13th movie after all. I think what Jason really needs is to be loved. Jason needs a girlfriend. Hang in there buddy, I'm sure your soulmate is just around the corner.

P.S. I just got off the phone with a patient who called me "kiddo". Awesome.

SHHHHHHHHH

I am in love with this weekend. I am camped out at my parents house, and haven't had to answer the phone (except to talk to my sweet face man) and besides MAB, I haven't talked to anyone excpet Piper. I've danced around the house with my Mint Julep mask on, listening to Lady Gaga as loud as the speakers will let me (I'm somewhat of a closet fan), and I've spent too much time on the internet reading up on all the latest makeup reviews on makeupalley.com. Life is good. I'm having dinner, brews, and too many laughs with my favorite ATC on the planet and his extra fun wife. I CAN'T WAIT.

Yesterday I ran into someone that I used to be super duper psycho head over for... We ran into each other at Q.T and he was holding the door open for the worker lady to take the trash out, and as I walked up, he says, "Oh wow, how are you?" I said "Amazing" and just walked through the door. Funny thing is that I actually meant it. I actually am AMAZING. I didn't even care that I ran into the CHUMP (for you Ry) and didn't care how he's doing or what he's up to these days.

FF about eight hours later, I see the old fuzzball at the same dang place he is every night of the week he doesn't have to work. I made eye contact and just turned around. The only person I cared to talk to in that whole entire establishment was holding my left hand, and I realized for the first time of the five million that I've been in that place, I felt calm and love. NO DRAMA, no question marks. Just safe, just happy.

I keep thinking this is a dream. I keep thinking any second someone is gonna dump a bucket of ice water over my head, open the trap door, or pull the rug out. Then I realize that this is a choice. It's a choice to say goodbye to misery and hello to life. I am exactly where I want to be.

2/7/09. It's a good day.

things that are MEDICALLY NECESSARY

Hmmm. So I get to work, get everything cleaned up from yesterday's debacule of a clinc, get my coffee and sit down at my desk to officially start the day and the phone rings. OF COURSE. We have a work comp patient, which may not mean as much to some as it does to others, and her name is a normal name but of course said out of ordinarily. Um, so we will say like her name is Lisa, but you pronounce is LYSA.

Lysa calls me this morning and says that her spine surgeon's nurse told her to call me and tell me to order her a for lack of a better term "potty chair" for her. So that after her knee surgery she won't have to:

1. Walk to the bathroom
B. Miss any of her Soap Operas.

And also, her toilet is just so hard to get up off of, because its too low to the ground. (I was thinking to myself, do you pee in a hole in the ground???"

REACTION: First, I started looking around for some sort of strange person in the office (i.e. radio personality, ashton kutcher, etc.) and wondered if candid camera really IS off the air. Secondly, I said this, "Lysa, in all of the years that I have worked for Dr. Super Surgeon, I have NEVER ordered a potty chair for a patient, you do not need it. Your spine surgeon's nurse does not work for an arthroscopic orthopedic doctor, and as I am not suggesting the durable medical equipment necessary for spine surgeries, I would ask that their office respect our position as a strictly arthroscopic orthopedic office and trust that we know how to do our jobs." LONG PAUSE. Poor Lysa had to take a minute to process what I was saying.

RETORT: "If I were to walk to the bathroom, it would take me too long and I would miss half my soaps to get to the bathroom, go to the bathroom, and get back to the couch."

RESPONSE: "Life sucks Lysa. Get a TiVo."

After I hung up the phone, I thought to myself. THIS LADY WANTED ME TO WRITE HER A PRESCRIPTION SAYING THAT IT WAS MEDICALLY NECESSARY FOR HER TO CRAP IN HER LIVING ROOM JUST BECAUSE SHE IS LAZY. That's sick. When people start trying to find ways around being a human being in fear of missing 'Days'... That's freaking rock bottom in my book.

sidebar: I can't stand when co-workers walk up behind you and comment on what you're eating or drinking. "EW, WHAT IS THAT? IT LOOKS DISGUSTING!!" "Oh, you know it's baked monkey brains, it's the latest health trend. Wanna bite?" Mind your own freaking business. Just because we work together does NOT mean that your lard ass has licensure to comment on my salad with a cup of tuna on it. Go eat a snickers and get outta my office. Thanks.

things i think about

We have 75 patients in the morning.

Citizen Cope is less than a month away. YAY and Britney is a little over three months away. DOUBLE YAY.

I really should NOT have had twelve redbull vodkas last night.

I need to go to bed. ASAP.

I hate monday so much it makes me wanna cry.

I hope Callie hasn't jumped the fence.

I hope my red scrubs are clean.

I'm tired of being blonde.

my twinkie

I gotta super friend, her name is Meredith. We helped each other through our senior year of high school when each of our BFFs left to go to public school. We dressed alike and sang TLC with the windows down at the top our lungs. She's good stuff. We don't hang out enough. She's almost into her third year of marriage, she hangs out with the married crowd and does dinner parties and schmancy stuff. I'm single and I hang out at uh, the bar with what's left of the single scene in this town. Anyhow, I got this random text from her yesterday, saying that they were having a shrip boil and that I should come over. Now Meredith's husband is from Mississippi (which Mer confused with Alabama for years) and when he has a shrimp boil, it's necessary to drop everything and run to their house. He does it right. We played catchphrase for an hour. Boys against girls, and I think it's hilarious how boys and girls communicate differently. A step further, It's interesting how friends who have known each other for years communicate. I know that when Meredith trys to stand like the famous Atlas statue (you know the one where he's got the world on his back) that she has got him confused with Achilles. Anyhow, point of the point is that in order to be an effective communicator you gotta know how to break it down to your audience. Help them to help you get your message through. I hope I do a pretty good job of that as a friend, as a daughter, a girlfriend, an employee, etc. That's all I got for now. I'm headed to a wedding. Yay.

just because you have one doesn't mean you gotta be one.

WOW. I am pissed. I know that you aren't supposed to write things like this when you're mad, and you are supposed to sleep on it, write a letter and never mail it, etc. F that.

"You think I'm crazy, I got your crazy" - B. Spears

I know the right way to confront someone when I'm upset, and I never do it the p.c. way. I wait until it's too far gone. So here we are, crown and diet, mickey avalon and a rant. This is gonna make me feel better. I just know it.

Boys are ugh. They are inconsiderate jerks about 65-95 percent of the time, depending on the dude of course. I am somewhat lucky for now in the fact that I'm dating someone on the closer to 65 percent range of the jackass scale. . . but he still has the ability to act like a f*%k face. And granted, a well thought out, slightly sarcastic text message is not the way to say "you hurt my feelings" but if you pour gas on the fire by saying the following things:

1. Oh stop acting like a victim
2. My bad, It's all my fault
3. K

It's on.

I hate it when boys say girls are crazy. Of course we are. Did you expect something different? We don't know how else to communicate that we care to your pea brains. We go overboard. ALL THE TIME. Yes, my head will explode when I don't think that I'm a priority in your life. But I will also go above and beyond to make you know that I give a damn about you. You don't get one without the other. Once I got dumped (that sounds funny, I've been dumped more than once. . . ) but this particular time, a guy said to me "if you had acted right this would have never happened" If I would've acted "right" I probably would have been long divorced by now. I'm not a certified psycho. I'm not gonna pull a Left Eye and burn your house down. I AM going to say call me when you actually care. And I mean it.

I'm not afraid of the way I feel. I'm not afraid that someone else will never appreciate my crazy-ness. I'm not really even afraid of being alone. I am sick to death of guys that think it's okay to take a relationship for granted. Because when you boil it down to the bare bones (because you have to talk on a first grade level to make the light come on sometimes) a girlfriend/boyfriend is a realtionship like you have with anyone else. It's like answering the phone when your mom calls for the tenth time to ask a question that she's forgotten the answer to. . . again. It's like listening to your friend cry for the millionth time over a "dead horse relationship" and crying with her. It's like making a trip halfway across the country to hang out with a college roomie who is in a new scary place just so that they know you care and that you are cheering them on. It's making a flipping phone call to someone that you talk about sharing a lifetime with during your "boys drinking weekend" because you said you would. It's sunshine and water. It's love. It's necessary even if it isn't a convenient at the time.

Eastmountainsouth. So are you to me.

as the music at the banquet
as the wine before the meal
as the firelight in the night
so are you to me

as the ruby in the setting
as the fruit upon the tree
as the wind blows over the plains
so are you to me

as the wind blows over the plains
so are you to me
so are you to me

This is the way I really do feel. I'm not great enough to write things like this, so I borrow others words. (don't judge, I LOVE math and science) I hate it when basic communication is a bitch. Its not hard or strenuous, but it is a detail. Will someone please wake me up when the stupid questions have answers?? I'm tired.

bye felicia

Friday references are hilarious. They never get old. I'm done with 2008. I think mostly everyone is, but I'm just ready for the next thing. I try really hard not to always look for the next thing and be happy about what is in front of me. I loved 2008, not because it was the greatest year ever, but because it means that it was another year that I learned new things, went to new places, met new people, and grew up a little bit more. I love my life so much. Don't get me wrong, there are things that aren't my favorite about this life, but I have killer friends, super family and a BF thats stupid unbelievable. Somebody once said "The best things in life are not things" I love that saying. So I made a list. Which is awesome, because lists are great. Of my raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. So when I'm having a down day I can look it up and know that life is bearable because. . .

1. My dad and his "Bear pooped in the woods" joke. It's not funny. Not even a little. I laugh at it so much that I cry everytime though and he thinks I'm crazy. If I'm having a horrible day, I'll call him and make him tell it to me. It makes my gray sky blue.
2. Brokedown Palace. A huge testiment to solid girl friendships. I love that I have friendships that are that strong.
3. Diet Coke. This is self explanatory. If you don't get it, you never will.
4. Piper. She saved my life and she's the best dog ever.
5. The Dallas Cowboys. I talk more crap about them than anyone I know and I think Jerry Jones is a moron, but they are my team and I love them.
6. Coldplay. How they know how to sing to your heart is so amazing to me. And their concerts will change your life.
7. Sephora. It's a makeup junkie's safe place
8. Life Lessons. Me and life lessons are now incahoots. I got tired of fighting them and decided to move over to their side of things. I made a decision last year that made me realize that I am ready for the best part of life. No more darkness. No more wasted time. Yay for light. Yay for happy.
9. Designer jeans. Cliche. It's true. I got sucked right in. And let me tell you what, when they say "they are worth the money" they are NOT lying to you. Plus my butt is 28 years old and needs all the help it can get.
10. Britney. Oh honey. You need a hug. Me, Bebo and Liz are on your team. Your songs light up my life. Screw the haters. See ya in April.

So to all the hands up I have in my life. Thanks. To 2008: We had a good run. There were more tears than smiles, but the end turned up well worth it. To 2009: We are gonna love each other for 364 more days. Can't wait.