summer summer summertiiiiiime.

I have begun to totally suck at my blogging. So for my half year resolution (since of course the new year's resolutions have gone the way of the dodo bird) I am going to be a better blogger. I know the excitement is hardly containable.

Life Lessons I have learned in 2009:

1. DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE write down your "boyfriend's" plans down in your planner. Because when that boyfriend becomes a rat bastard, nothing makes you wanna gag like happening upon all of his plans that are in your moleskine. I'm one 'Matt's in Ada for a BBQ contest' away from getting a new planner, and doing very bad things to the old one.

Huh. Well that was a short list. Maybe I'll think of other things to put on there later on.

Moving on to bigger and better lists....

Cool Stuff I have planned for the rest of the summer/year.

1. JMACTAC's bridal shower and wedding reception.
2. St Louis Cards series and Hallemeyer fun.
3. WICKED
4. HS Reunion. Which I didn't think I would be excited about, but now I am.
5. DFest and especially Citizen Cope. This will be the fourth time I will have seen Clarence, and I fall more in love with him every time.
6. Britney. This will be the second time THIS YEAR I will have seen Britney.
7. HAWAII!!!! WHHAAAAAAT?!?!?!? I know, right??? Ten days of sun and sand and

So here's to all the BBQ contests I will not be attending. Good riddance. Hawaii called, they said you and your BBQ contests can eat it. I happily concurred.

halfway through another one

Congratulations kids, 2009 is about halfway over. I'm not going to lie, I'm not upset about the fact that the time is flying. I got to spend Memorial Day weekend with some of my favorite people in the entire world, and got to step out of reality for two and a half days. It was very much needed and so much more fun than I ever thought that it really could be. The ridiculous sunburn was totally worth the price of admission.

what now

I've got this acquaintence who always talks about "brooding" and while I'm pretty well aware of what that means, I decided to wiki it and see EXACTLY what it meant. It pulled up as AVIAN INCUBATION. I giggled a little bit, and then I laughed alot. We talk about being cranky and insightful over our thoughts, feelings, and emotions and being depressed, and for a mother bird it means that she is sitting, waiting in anticipation for her baby birds to hatch. Humans are so stupid sometimes. We use words to mean something that they are not supposed to mean at all just because someone somewhere thought it sounded good for their own purpose. Silly. So I will no longer be using the word 'brooding' when talking about over analyzing my life's station. I will be using the words 'being silly'. Because that's what it really is.

I went to my sister's graduation yesterday, and we were pretty far up and I shouldn't have been able to pick her outta the lineup. And then I did. One of the coolest things about being in my family is that each of us can kind of pick up on bloodline vibes. I can pick up the phone and call my mother, and nine times outta ten she says "I was just getting ready to call you". My dad will ask about something that I've been needing that I haven't asked for, or been trying to secretly do on my own. My mom and I can be in the car, and out of nowhere we both bring randomly bring up the same thing. Anyhow, right as I point and say, "There she is".... she turns and looks right at us and waves. She picked her 10 family members out of the thousands that were there. Pretty flippin' sweet. So the President of the college gives this quote from Yogi Bera "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Interesting insight.

I'm done 'brooding' and I'm done standing at the proverbial multi-pronged fork in the road. I'm not sitting on any eggs, and I'm not gonna blame all of life on the fact that I just don't know what to do. Thanks for the fork life. I hate your guts. I'm going to eat them with this fork you just gave me with some salt and tabasco sauce.

P.S. My siblings are all grown up. My brother has gotta soul mate, my sister's moving outta state.... Golly wolly. What now.

vegas. good for the soul.

My very most favorite thing about Vegas. No one cares. There are people with tons of money there and there are people with no money there. No one cares that you are sad, broken, and dying inside so much that you feel like it should be tattooed on your forehead "loser" or "pathetic" because everyone is there to find their own version of a good time. Mine included a Cheeseburger in Paradise, a frozen hot chocolate from Serendipity, alot of time at the Miracle Mile, a 360 degrees Tickle Me Pink, the water show at the Bellagio, and Ms. Britney Spears.

Sidebar: just because it's HEAVY on my heart right now. So I live in a semi small town and I've lived here long enough to sit down next to pretty much anyone and figure out how I know someone they know. Kevin Bacon and his six degrees have nothing on my one. So my roomate's boyfriend is BFF with my college love-of-my life. Sidebar to the sidebar: I recently got DUMPED. In the no call no show kinda way so this makes it that much harder for me. Okay so back to original story.... so my roomie goes and has drinks with my ex and his NEW GIRLFRIEND. Now, JT hasn't had a girlfriend since we broke up (I got no called no showed there too....weird) and so it's a little *REALLY* hard for me to hear about him dating someone else, because I hear allllllll the time "You guys are really gonna end up together, you're just too perfect for each other." Anyhow, this is now the second time, from the second person I know that I got to hear about what a great girl this girl is for him and how I would just love her. No thanks. That dagger to the heart was just a little too sharp. I was wondering if you had a spoon handy.

So, I go to Vegas with my most favorite thing on the face of the planet. My sister. Funny and or tragic things happen when any of the family members get together.... and so as we are getting on the plane to go to Vegas, they are boarding through the normal "rows 21 and higher" routine, and this girl with a glitter shirt on and a very fake tan says "when are you seating the 'A' seats??" WOW. Please put down the spray paint can and the ziploc baggie and join the rest of us here on the planet Earth. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a great trip... and it was.

Brit brit. How I love you so. I got a TON of crap from people I work with an people I know about going to see the Princess of Pop, but let me just say this. It is amazing to me how these people turn their noses up at Britney Spears mostly because her 'shameful' life is on a stage for the whole world to see. How many NORMAL people if they had their lives plastered all over the gossip blogs would be considered that much more holy than the girl from Louisiana who says ya'll too much and who just wants to be able to go to the grocery store without having someone taking pictures of the contents of her grocery basket while making comments on how no wonder she's gotten so fat. The same world that sang her praises and put her on that pedestal, pushed her right on off simply because she is a human (not perfect). I don't know about you, but that would be enough to send me over the edge. Okay, end Britney rant.

So I'm back from Vegas, and I'm tired, happy, and refreshed in myself. I know that I can do this. All of it. I don't necessarily WANT to keep my shoulder to the wheel, and I'm sick of the elbow grease, but I can do this. It's funny how you train your brain to think in certain ways... "If I just did or had this one more thing, I would be happy" PUH-LEASE. For upwards of six-ish years now, I've been telling myself that if I was in THE relationship that I would be happy. What kind of logic is that?!?!

So I sat down with someone I don't know all that well and explain to them how it just wasn't fair that everyone gets everything that they want except for me, and do you know what this guy's response was?? It gets its own paragraph cause I love it so much.

"Rachel, there is someone sitting on a porch with a friend saying the exact same thing about their love life, and your lives just haven't collided in the right way yet" I love this. It's very simple and very Fievel Mousekewitz. I love simple answers to hard questions. The question isn't WHY it's just a matter of WHEN, and I'm starting to realize that if "when" turns into "never" I'm pretty okay with that too.

tragedies in threes.

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit, you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work you and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
Well I been down and I need your help I’ve been feeling sorry for myself
Don’t hesitate to boost my confidence
I been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love-protection
What do you say, honey, come to my defense?
I’ll stand up for you if it’s what you need and I can take a punch, I don’t mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me
And you give me all of your attention I got deep desire and it needs quenchin’
I think that’s pretty plain for you to see
Hell, enough about me and more about you cause that’d be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and polite
I thought I was done with telling you but I ain’t nearly halfway through
I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
You always did kind of drive me crazy and pissed me off ‘cause I let it faze me
But I never wanted my time with you to end
Now I’m back in town for a day or two and mostly I came back just to see you
I’m leaving now but I don’t want to go
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

This song is putting somewhat of a bandaid on the hole that's been ripped out of the middle, kind of on the left side of my chest wall.

In the last week, my grandfather passed away, my "boyfriend" says that he has changed his mind about the direction of our relationship, and I flipped an SUV. I spend every single second of every single day trying to hold it together. I have to physically tell myself to breathe in and out. I have NEVER in my life hurt this bad. EVER. I am well aware of the fact that it could be "worse" but my frame of reference has never been "worse" than this. Besides relative terms are just that. Subjective to the person experiencing the pain, and this pain has knocked me entirely out of orbit.

It's amazing to me the people who you have in your life who you think care, but they really don't. When life rains so hard on me I can't breathe, I look around for the people that I thought would be there for me. There are people there, but not so much the ones I thought I could count on.

I have two "flat mates" with whom I had fallings out with, and they were the first ones there. They cried with me, held my hand, and promised me that everything was going to be okay... knowing that they were the only ones that could make me believe it. I had three very new friends who were more than happy to help me through a day that I didn't think I was going to make it through. I have an old boyfriend who yeah, maybe things didn't really work out so much with, but he sends me irish bells and tulips on st. patty's day with a card that says this....

Oh she is my dear and darlin' one
Her eyes are sparklin' full of fun
No other, no other
Could match the likes of her

Oh she is my dear my darlin' one
My smilin' and beguilin' one
I love the ground she walks upon

It's always good to know that the relationships you have and had, love the fingerprints you left on their heart. I'm glad to have the parents, the siblings, the old boyfrienD, and both the vintage and shiny new friends that I have. They are the strongest and most loyal people on the face of the planet. They are my best angels and because of them, I'm gonna be okay.

I hope someday I remember how to smile and mean it.

"blindsided" bon iver

It's March. Wait. . . It's MARCH?!?!? Yeah. Ready or not right? I'm gonna go with not ready. Not even a little ready, but that's okay I guess the best double blade about life is that it happens to you, ready or not. I'm just ready to be more ready and not so much not ready.

My life is on FFWD right now. Like the stupid FFWD where the DVR skips all the way to the end or stops the whole show for no reason. I am sitting down and taking five or ten minutes to be quiet and breathe. I write this blog for the most part to make me slow down, to regulate the high and low. I write this for me. I don't write it for people to read it and think I'm super cool or super ew. They might think that if they happenstance upon it anyhow, but it's not for THEM. It's for me to sit. It's kinda meditation. If someone else identifies, then YAHTZEE.

Sunday: Sleep in, check. Watch the top fifty sports bloopers on FSN, check. Put away the clean dishes, check. Put away groceries with JKH, check. Get a phone call from the boss' wife saying he's been admitted and that he's SUPER sick, uhhhhh no thanks? Get a frantic phone call from mom saying my grandpa is in renal failure and in ICU, uhhhhhh, can I get a sick day on a weekend???

Our family has this HILARIOUS saying that came from Sesame Street, and I almost wanna say it's from a Bert and Ernie book. . .anyhow, one of the puppets are in the bathtub and there's a bunch of other stuff in the bathtub with him (the eighties were strange folks, blow painted every one's hopes and dreams a nice shade of tie dye) and all of a sudden there's an elephant in the bathtub. I should find the book, cause it would make more sense. ANYHOW. When someone says "I have an elephant in my bathtub" it means, their plate is full. And I have the biggest, fattest, most disgusting elephant in my bathtub right now. I hate him. His name is .... I haven't named him yet. He just showed up today and I haven't had the time. I'll get back.

I'm everyone's glue. Fix this, hold this together, this is an emergency. I'm the protocol book. "Just call Rach. She can fix everything". I guess that should be a compliment. Today it feels like someone dropped a five ton elephant in my mango bubble bath and said, "Merry Christmas". I guess I don't mind it so much. I have the ability to take care of the elephant. Sometimes I chop him up and feed him to the birds, sometimes I call his owner and tell him to come pick him up, sometimes I make him think we are friends, just to ship him to a feed factory at the last expecting second. But I always get rid of him. (Notice that this elephant is always a male?? That's not a coincidence) I should quitthebitchin. I love that people lean on me. It makes me feel good. I love that someone can call me when their life feels like it's gonna crumble and I can put it back together and make it pretty and new again. I hate that I dont' have that to fall back on. When my life starts to sink fast, I don't have anyone that I can call to fix it. "Hi, I'm drowning in the most disgusting bathwater ever, and I need someone to come save me..... uuuhhhhh.... HELLO?!?!?" Eh. I'll get out of it. I have a piece of chewing gum and a wire hanger. MacGyver has nothing on this.

On a sidenote, tomorrow is TEXAS Independence Day. My Papa Bob (the one in ICU) could tell you every single reason that TEXAS should be it's own country. He'll make a believer outta you too. I promise. We have celebrated TEXAS independence day every year since I can remember by eating Mexican food. "Hello irony, we'll have a table for five." Anyhow, traditions are key as grounded or ungrounded as they are. I mean TEXAS would've make an F- at being an independent state. Don't tell my Grandpa I said such blasphemous things. It would break his already broken heart. But March 2nd is a great day, because it reminds me that I have a history and a bloodline that makes me strong. AAAAND possibly a little loony. That's okay. I'll take it. I slay elephants.

jason .... round ninety two.

Seriously with another Jason movie? Ya gotta be joking. Why do people watch that stuff?? How many times has Jason died, I mean I know of at least one. He got his head cut off. But for some reason, he managed to make it back to the box office. What I think is funny is that they released it right before Valentines Day, most likely in the hope that people will take their Valentines to see the new Jason movie. No lie, my BF would love to go. I said no way. We are sitting on the couch and gonna watch sappy love movies. It's Valentines Day after all!! (He doesn't know this yet either. I imagine that this will go over like a fart in church, but what baby wants, baby freaking gets.) Anyhow, I had some free time on my hands at work (shocking, I know) and so my mind started to work in a funny way. Which it does after a night of cocktails, tuaca, and an odd no... VERY ODD chain of events. The hungover hamster is pretty insightful. So I was thinking about VDAY and JASON, and here's what I came up with.

AHEM.

Love is like Friday the 13th.

We put ourselves out there and love and trust someone, and they cut our head off. But we manage to go back for more. It's ridiculous. I mean really, it's not fair. In this world where it's every man for himself, we crave a hand to hold and a heart to share. We love someone even more when they hurt us. We forgive the unforgiveable, we overlook the indiscretions, we hang on to the edge with our bleeding fingers trusting that another human being will save us from our own self, and give us a reason to live. There is absolutely zero, if not negative, logic in that whole process. It's dumb and idiotic.

I have a friend who has a heart and soul that seriously belongs to this guy that she once upon a time couldn't breathe without. Life happened, and they aren't together anymore, but every time either one of them dates someone, the rest of us stand there and scratch our heads. They are like Mickey and Minnie, Kermit and Miss Piggy, Bonnie and Clyde. You get the picture. We all hope they hold out for each other.

I have THREE friends from high school who have parents that were married for thirty plus years, and are now divorced.

I have a patient who is currently working on marriage number FIVE.

The super crazy part? None of these people would take back their love life experiences. My friend says she would do it all again, even knowing that there would be unbearable pain, my friends parents say that were blessed to share their life with someone for thirty years as most people don't get that opportunity, my patient says that most people only have one great love and she's had five.

There's no rhyme or reason. None. So I'm just gonna hang out here on the ledge with the rest of humanity and keep the faith... because obviously there is really something to this love thing. I'm just hoping the reward really is worth the risk.

Maybe we will just go see the new Friday the 13th movie after all. I think what Jason really needs is to be loved. Jason needs a girlfriend. Hang in there buddy, I'm sure your soulmate is just around the corner.

P.S. I just got off the phone with a patient who called me "kiddo". Awesome.